THE PROLOGUE
Enter Chorus
CHORUS
Listen me ye lest ye read in the dark,
A half-true sad tale this night shall I
tell;
Laugh if ye will for it may be a lark,
Though cork ye yer nose lest find a foul
smell.
Terminus a quo, I hereby confess
A bard battered by bumbling bibble bad,
In midst of poor illusions no less,
Among lines of fraud some truth will be
had;
The lock’d door lay yonder, here now the
key:
Funny sad tale or sad tale with a laugh,
Nouns and verbs conjured, the tale falsity;
Shake we some lines spearéd from distant
past.
From
depths of nonsense a fool’s head doth push—
Words
of the king are verbatim George Bush!
Exit
[I.i]
In a rose garden
outside the castle.
Enter Lord Chincey
LORD CHINCEY
[aside] Now must I plans hatch to
turn this
not-so-popular dimwit of a king into an
illusion
of a likéd—nay, a tolerated goof. This
kingdom,
gained on less than a medeity°, and affirmed by
political strands; and that, absent book.
Yet,
like these illusions I perform, these
slights
of hand [attempts trick]—oh, not
quite!—with
legerdemain did we pull blankets high. It
was
a mad fantastical trick of him to steal
from the
state, and usurp the beggary he was never
born
to. And so, like kings and kings and still
kings,
a war shall we bring, a trick of the trade,
as this
disappeared string. [attempts trick]
Almost!
Enter KING, LORD
MARS
Your Highness. That damn Bore is out to
make
you a fool. He doth speak with a tongue
like
salt to a wound.
KING
There's an old saying that says, fool me
once,
shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you
can't get fooled again.
LORD CHINCEY
Cretin’s words from your lips ethereal are.
But what of Prince Bore? Worry you not of
the arrows with tips of poisoned words he
slings into the masses? I believe…
KING
I know what I believe. I will continue to
articulate what I believe and what I
believe
— I believe what I believe is right.
LORD CHINCEY
[aside] What impossible matter will
he make
easy next? [to KING] We shall watch him
carefully nonetheless. But! On to better
things.
Our guests will be arriving soon. Pray
tell, is
it true your father, the former King, will
attend?
What sayest he?
KING
I thought how proud I am to be standing up
beside my dad. Never did it occur to me
that
he would become the gist for cartoonists. I
suspect that had my dad not been King, he'd
be asking the same questions: How'd your
meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you
feel when you stood up in front of the
people
for the State of the Union Address—state of
the budget address, whatever you call it.
LORD CHINCEY
Yes, well surely he stands proud of your
victory
over Prince Bore, narrow though it was.
LORD MARS
A riddle: war! [giggles]
A raw riddle!
Dad, err, wail! [pouts comically]
I deal war, Dr.!
Dr. I lead war!
KING
When I was coming up, it was a dangerous
world, and you knew exactly who they were.
It was us versus them, and it was clear
who them was. Today we are not so sure
who the they are, but we know they're
there.
LORD CHINCEY
Your words like a maze, my Lord. But it
matters not who ‘they’ are, but matters
only that we pick one from the vine and
call them, ‘they.’ [Pulls coin from
behind
KING’S ear] For a war needs
more
than one.
KING
See, we love — we love freedom. That's what
they didn't understand. They hate things;
we
love things. They act out of hatred; we
don't
seek revenge, we seek justice out of love.
LORD MARS
Raw in a looking glass!
A rasing, slaking wool!
War! again. Go kill, sons!
War! Go kill sons again.
So again, a wrong, kills.
LORD CHINCEY
'Tis true 'tis pity; And pity 'tis 'tis
true.
Men just in bloom shall die, my Lord,
but let it be said necessarily so.
KING
I'd rather have them sacrificing on behalf
of our nation than, you know, endless hours
of testimony on congressional hill.
Enter the QUEEN
LORD CHINCEY
Hark to the Queen! Good day my Lady.
QUEEN
And to you my good sir. Come my husband
and eat the fine feast prepared for you,
before
you stun the audience with your wisdom.
Exit KING and QUEEN
LORD CHINCEY
[aside] O vain fool! O fool! fool!
fool!
Whether dost thou profess thyself, a knave
or a fool? Alas, a fool may be lead like an
ass
on a tether. And so it shall be. 'Tis the
times'
plague, when madmen lead the blind.
Exit
LORD CHINCEY
LORD MARS
Have ye seen a shot ‘round? (Song)
Round a shot will ye be found?
Round the cannon put your poker hot
Send death floating on the round shot
Maimed and mangled
and mutilated gore
Oh! such heavenly
visions of war!
Exit
LORD MARS
Enter LORD CHINCEY,
CROWD
Hark! Loyal subjects of the King, welcome
one and all! We stand in a world among
roses dormant bearing sharp thorns. The
pleasance of parfume cannot hide the
odorous evil behind such pleasance.
Though you can look heavenward and see blue
sky, ware thyself, storm clouds approach.
So
cheers! Cheers, say I! Soon, though the
skies
darken as if night, we will light the way
with
reflections of our army’s armor, reflecting
bolts
of lightning from the muzzle-flash. Ay,
drinketh
thee thine coffee, better gunpowder in the
morning to cheer this heart. So prepare ye
to
welcome our King, our…
Enter QUEEN
QUEEN
[Frantically whispering] Lord
Chincey, oh!
LORD CHINCEY
What ho! What pains the Queen?
QUEEN
[Whispers] Stall them if you might,
my good
Lord. Our noble King has gaggéd on his fish
and I am afraid none the better for it.
LORD CHINCEY
Alas! That doth tear at my heart. Tell me
fair
Queen, has Sir Rigor Mortis enjoined his
King? Not, my dear Queen, as you surely
must know, because I would wish it so.
[aside] Though the thought of it has
infested
my dreams like fleas of a dog. Yay, better
I
sit in the coach and steer the team. Let
him
ride the stepboard.
QUEEN
Calm your palpitations, Lord Chincey, for
it
be not so. The King is being attended by
faithful servants, who at this moment are
wiping from his face the chowder deposited
thereon, when his head plunged into the
bowl
as a fat nipper to a pond. Ah, but here
comes
our sovereign leader now!
Enter the KING
LORD CHINCEY
Indeed! [to the crowd] Loyal
subjects, I give
you your King!
KING
It's good to see so many friends here in
the Rose
Garden. This is our first event in this
beautiful
spot, and it's appropriate we talk about
policy
that will affect people's lives in a
positive way
in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our
national
— really, our national park system, my
guess
is you would want to call it. I'm hopeful.
I know
there is a lot of ambition in Dubya,
obviously.
But I hope the ambitious realize that they
are
more likely to succeed with success as
opposed
to failure. I want it to be said that the
King George
administration was a results-oriented
administration,
because I believe the results of focusing
our
attention and energy on teaching children
to read
and having an education system that's
responsive
to the child and to the parents, as opposed
to mired
in a
system that refuses to change, will make
Dubya what we want it to be — a more
literate
country and a hopefuller country. We're
concerned
about the short-term economic news, but
long-
term I'm optimistic. And so, I hope
investors,
you know—secondly, I hope investors hold
investments for periods of time — that I've
always found the best investments are those
that
you salt away based on economics. Lord
Chincey
and I do not want this nation to be in a
recession.
We want anybody who can find work to be
able
to find work. I don't want nations feeling like
that they can bully ourselves and our
allies. I
want to have a ballistic defense system so
that
we can make the world more peaceful, and at
the same time I want to reduce our own
nuclear
capacities to the level commiserate with
keeping
the peace. If you don't stand for anything,
you
don't stand for anything!
GUEST #1
What sayest he?
GUEST #2
‘Tis vague, to be sure. Get all the fools
on your
side and you can be elected to anything.
GUEST #1
Vague?! Ay, clearer meanings have I had
from
a stone.
GUEST #2
Only two things are infinite, the universe
and
human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the
former.
HECKLER #1
What say ye about our families?
KING
Families is where our nation finds hope,
where
wings take dream.
HECKLER #2
Why sendeth ye our tups to war?
KING
We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations
hold
this nation hostile or hold our allies
hostile.
HECKLER #3
To war go we to avenge your father’s
disgrace?
KING
I think if you know what you believe, it
makes
it a lot easier to answer questions. I
can't answer
your question.
Exeunt
[I.ii]
A dark compartment
with a drape across.
Enter MOANINGA,
WILLIAM
MOANINGA
Rumble thy bellyful! Spit, fire! spout,
rain!
Lo, I best call thee Mt. Vesuvius!
WILLIAM
Ay, but not such cursed to spout so
infrequently.
MOANINGA
Though I glut, yet you are distant. The
king?
The drape
is pulled open
WILLIAM
Ay. The king who used you like poison in a
vial to seduce me and soot my name. For
little
more than a lowered kiss did I lose my coat
of
arms. Let witchcraft join with beauty, lust
with
both! This king little more than a ragged
cur.
Face to face I should change not a note in
my
tune. “A pox o’ your throat, you bawling,
blasphemous, incharitable dog!” would I
say,
given say. But, with a Prince and a wench
shall
I hound the hound to hell.
MOANINGA
[aside] Corrupt, corrupt, and
tainted in desire!
For love without rebound do I agree to
plans
so sinister.
WILLIAM
[aside] A concoction of stupidity
and misguidance
do I stir. I am an ass, I am a woman's man
and
besides myself. Yet I will have my revenge.
[towards the door] Servant! Servant!
Enter
SERVANT
SERVANT
Here master: what cheer?
WILLIAM
Go ye to search and return Prince Bore,
posthaste.
SERVANT
Ay, master. So I shall.
Exit
SERVANT
WILLIAM
Oh, woe! Must I use this bore who makes a
slumbering man seem a merry jester? And
for a confederate a wench with a warm
palate!
Yet I roll on. Who cannot be crushed with a
plot?
Exeunt
[I.iii ]
A meeting room.
Enter KING, POLE
POLE
Your Majesty, I come today to urge patience
in these preparations for war. Have not ye
a
head like rolling hills but rather like a
plowed
field, level and well-planned. Pray you, we
shall dole out proper punishment to threats
as
they arise, but in due course I beg, sir,
in due
course.
KING
But the true threats to stability and peace
are these nations that are not very
transparent,
that hide behind the—that don't let people
in
to take a look and see what they're up to.
They're very kind of authoritarian regimes.
The
true threat is whether or not one of these
people
decide, peak of anger, try to hold us
hostage,
ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to
whom
we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South
Koreans.
POLE
I’m sorry Your Highness, but your meaning
is unclear.
KING
This foreign policy stuff is a little
frustrating.
POLE
The Middle East is a concern to be sure,
sir,
but we must caution ourselves not to find
war
implicit from unrest, for they two
different
characters are.
KING
I understand that the unrest in the Middle
East
creates unrest throughout the region.
POLE
And what of Israel?
KING
There's nothing more deep than recognizing
Israel's right to exist. That's the most
deep
thought of all. ... I can't think of
anything
more deep than that right.
POLE
But surely the web that is the Middle East
has
more strands of silk than only Israel?
KING
And — but first things first. The — these
terrorist acts and, you know, the responses
have got to end in order for us to get the
framework — the groundwork — not
framework, the groundwork to discuss a
framework for peace, to lay the—all right.
Enter HERBERT
HERBERT
Pour sugar into mine ears, for so sweet
the sounds of a war declaration!
Cry 'havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war!
POLE
I urge restraint, my good sirs.
HERBERT
You must, my son, spare no coin in
armement.
KING
We've tripled the amount of money — I
believe
it's from $50 million up to $195 million
available.
HERBERT
These are evil men, my son. They find us
weak.
In taverns drunk they toast to our defeat.
On
posters bearing mine likeness they
ptyalize. In
a fog my name lay. You alone can be the
easterly that blows it hither. Fail it you,
and
here sits a king more woeful than you.
KING
They underestimated our resolve, our
determination, our love for freedom. They
misunderestimated the fact that we love a
neighbor in need. They misunderestimated
the compassion of our country. I think they
misunderestimated the will and
determination
of the Commander-in-Chief, too.
HERBERT
What sayeth you, Pole?
POLE
If I may be so bold—we act with the
immediacy
of a puberal child.
HERBERT
What ho! Now comes the sick hour that his
surfeit made. Rest ye without difficulty,
Pole,
when ye dream of suicide bombers?
KING
The suicide bombings have increased.
There's
too many of them.
POLE
Pray tell, what is the acceptable number?
HERBERT
Sow up that foul mouth, Pole! Do
we count many allies among Parliament?
POLE
Steady have they walked a taut string, sir.
HERBERT
The more pity, that fools may not speak
wisely
what wise men do foolishly.
KING
There's no question that the minute I got
elected,
the storm clouds on the horizon were
getting
nearly directly overhead
POLE
We are but a voice of the people, your
Highness.
To aspire to it tis an honor.
HERBERT
Tut! What, is the man lunatic? Mad call I
it;
for, to define true madness,what is't but
to be
nothing else but mad? This dēmocratia
is little
more than prison for a king. It serves only
to
wrench awe from fools and tie the wiser
souls
to thy false seeming! Act of your own
accord,
my son, this verily I say unto you. Rise
above
those who claim you as their representative,
for they toss like plankton on a rough sea.
KING
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot
easier,
there's no question about it.
POLE
Nonetheless, I shall continue to work for a
treaty, with your permission.
KING
First, we would not accept a treaty that
would
not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I
thought made sense for the country.
HERBERT
How ready stands the army, Pole?
POLE
My lord, our army is dispersed already.
HERBERT
How now! Then enlist more men!
POLE
The pay scant is—brave soldiers walk in
rank
unable to roof their family.
HERBERT:
Why then, burden their pockets with the
weight of coin. In all swift haste.
KING
I do think we need for a troop to be able
to
house his family. That's an important part
of building morale in the military.
HERBERT
[aside] Alas! I reached into the
bushel basket
that is womb and pulled a dense apple. Like
a drownéd man, a fool and a mad man: one
draught above heat makes him a fool; the
second mads him; and a third drowns him.
Enter CER KNUTE,
LORD CHINCEY
CER KNUTE
Pardon my hasty entrée gentlemen, but
pressing matters urge me on.
LORD CHINCEY
You have grown old and grey, Cer Knute. How
ill, white hairs become a fool and jester!
[Holds out cards] Take a card…
CER KNUTE
[Takes card] Let not thine eyes
betray my heart
nor mind, for my ashen locks are but a
white
horse o’er the deep sea.
LORD CHINCEY
Ace of spades.
CER KNUTE
Three of hearts.
LORD CHINCEY
[Frowns]. No matter! These are old
fond
paradoxes to make fools laugh i' the
alehouse.
Out with it if you must. What has hastened
you
hence?
HERBERT
[aside] This fellow is wise enough
to play the
fool.
CER KNUTE
I regret, my Lord—Lords, to inform that our
allies do clutch to peace as a drunkard his
ale.
They have sent me returned with the message
as such. ‘No war’ sayest they, ‘until peace
is
exhausted.’
KING
My administration has been calling upon all
the leaders in the — in the Middle East to
do
everything they can to stop the violence,
to
tell the different parties involved that
peace
will never happen.
CER KNUTE
I have met with Parliament this very hour
and
I worry the naysayers will drain the
fountain
of optimism so full just yesterday.
HERBERT
Bibble! Babble! Nothing but politic rabble!
KING
You see, the Senate wants to take away
some of the powers of the administrative
branch.
POLE
Think of your legacy, sir. Must it be death
and
destruction?
KING
There's no such thing as legacies. At
least,
there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.
CER KNUTE
Then I fear, your Highness, Parliament…
Enter SERVANT
SERVANT
[Jubilant] Your Highness! Parliament
returned
this very hour a resounding vote for war.
HERBERT:
War! war! no peace! peace is to me a war.
LORD MARS
[From behind a curtain]
A war! A war! Smell it I in the air!
A war! A war! Pillage everywhere!
Bowels hung loose,
to hell is our truce!
Blood from an
opened sluice,
Mars has answered Mars’ prayer.
LORD CHINCEY
Indeed! Cer nit!, you sir, exit ere the
next
grain of sand that falls. Worry you not
over
the rewards your district shall receive
post
victory, for it will be overshadowed by a
rat’s
feces! [to the KING] Your Majesty, the party
ere now planned, a war party shall be!
Exuent
all but POLE
POLE
Alas! ‘Tis a sad affair when a man of war
voices
sole restraint against same. Ah, this King!
Vex
not yourself, nor strive not with your
breath; For
all in vain comes counsel to his ear.
Exuent
[I.iv]
A living quarter
Enter MOANING,
PRINCE BORE, WILLIAM
WILLIAM
Three turns of the glass were we not
agreed?
PRINCE BORE
A heap of soil did I pause to contemplate.
WILLIAM
And in this what swelled thy brain?
PRINCE BORE
Ideas not many nor one, yet a kinship did I
feel.
WILLIAM
Akin I have no doubt you be! [aside] If a
fool's fool fathered yet a fool, such a
child
a prodigy would be to this nit.
MOANINGA
What see’st thou that so rivets thine eyes?
PRINCE BORE
The dress so low up high and high down low.
MOANINGA
But lower and higher yet wish ye? So be it…
[reveals more] Sweat at that and
‘fore I even
put you to tendin' to it! And me with a
pasture
in need of a fencepost! Carry my sympathy
to
thine wife.
WILLIAM
Leave thy vain bibble babble. Lend me ears
for a plot to tell. A pretty plot, well
chosen to
build upon! When complete, ‘the Queen’
shall just be ‘the.’ A plot upon her
virtuous
husband's life. A plot shall show us all a
merry day.
PRINCE BORE
Sen no yfel.
Hieran no yfel.
Sprecan no yfel.
WILLIAM
Yet I see and hear a fool speak!
Ears!
A party the king tomorrow shall cast,
But fete he fast ‘fore the present has
passed.
In merry and mirth, shall slither such
vice,
His heels thought on rock find only thin
ice.
Lascivious then wench, gyrate thy hips,
Til guard—drunk with desir’—doth lick his lips;
Tweet then not Mathew, nor Luke, but peter,
With whispers wet, soon he eyes Demeter.
A cunning linquist shall this guard sedate,
‘Til dumb with glee does he unhatch the
gate.
The castle then, to halls dark and dreary,
Lie thee in wait for that King so leery.
In
shadows your roof in need of his thatch,
The
castle a coop for my plot to hatch!
My entrée shall come by words so like oil,
I, the gas pressured, by laws of Boyle.
With holy robe over actions obscene,
A dull knife conceal’d to offer the Queen.
With words wily as the Bard’s Romeo,
This way and that to the chamber we go.
Though mine repute falls lower than the
sea,
The Queen in these acts becomes
bourgeoisie.
And thee bovine, the characterless Bore,
Blunt, null and drab, thus simple is thine
chore:
Greet ye the Gossips with promise of shame,
Unclasp the back door—they enter the same.
Eyes
on the chamber the Gossips see all,
Thence
this kingdom like dominoes shall fall!
MOANINGA
With ye, Bore, shall I wait in the shadows,
and in shadows shed ye some light.
PRINCE BORE
Fie! Too much it is to consider! But what
of
Chincey? The King is but his mask.
WILLIAM
Ay, for this we must account. [aside]
Prince,
For a moment a beacon shed rare light in
thee.
[To both] Let us find out the
prettiest daisied
plot we can. Simple it may be, and with
that
former Queen, just now victorious leading
knights in battle, now claims the title
Duchess of
Wearspants. A messenger shall I send with
news that Lord Chincey has called her “the
little wench.” With such a minor tremble
will
storms rage and mountains quake.
MOANINGA
To have a foolish wife!
WILLIAM
Foolish? Nay. A fobbing fool. A looking
glass
fool. And with excrescence greater than
mine
own.
PRINCE BORE
A fool, a fool! I met a fool i' the forest,
A motley fool; a miserable world!
As I do live by food, I met a fool
Who laid him down and bask'd him in the
sun.
MOANINGA
[aside] Mad, he is. He engages in
bambling
rambling. Or senseless speaking or a
speaking
such as sense cannot untie.
WILLIAM
[aside] What odds this I? Asses,
fools, dolts!
chaff and bran, chaff and bran!
Exuent
[II.i]
A party
with many guests
Enter GUESTS, LORD
MARS, LORD CHINCEY
Lord Chincey is attempting magic tricks for a
crowd of onlookers.
GUEST #1
[Quietly] Is this King a fool?
LORD MARS
[Standing a few feet away,
eavesdropping.]
[Aside] A gift, his sin. Look!
A folksong—Hi!—is it
A fish stoking oil?
GUEST #2
Ay, or a madman.
LORD MARS
[Aside] A mad mayor? An
Aroma mad? Nay.
GUEST #1
We follow an idiot
LORD MARS
Lo, low deaf wino! It
Will aid on woe. Oft.
GUEST #2
May God have pity on us
LORD MARS
Damage, thy viny posy!
Apathy! Give suny doom!
GUEST #1
Tell me, if thou canst, who those three men
are—standing left of the donkey.
[Dumbaugh, O’Rile, and Inanity are
standing
to the left of a donkey statue. Each man
seems
to have a shorter left leg, thus leaning to
the left.]
GUEST #2
Ay, the town criers, Dumbaugh, O’Rile,
and Inanity. They are nits.
GUEST #1
Knights, ye mean.
GUEST #2
Nay, nits.
GUEST #!
Why lean they so sharp left, as if to fall
upon the King’s feet to grovel when he
enters?
GUEST #2
A long affliction my Lord. Unable to
stand right, they slacked to the left, ‘til
deformed as you seen them.
GUEST #1
Indeed. And such protuberant asses.
GUEST #1
Malformations known as pomp, my Lord.
GUEST #2
Ah, so pomp-ass, left leaning nits, the lot
of
them.
GUEST #1
Ay, a scourge to be wary of, ‘tis sure.
Enter
KING, DUMBAUGH
ALL
Good evening your majesty!
LORD MARS
Gooey jurys demean voting!
Joy unto vise, gory endgame!
DUMBAUGH
My Lord, I commend you for a fine party.
The
all-you-can-eat, Go-To-War Buffet was
superb.
Visits seven have I had to the table. My
gratitude too, Sir, for allowing me the
honor
of being in attendance at the garden, where
my immenseness was nourished.
KING
I was proud the other day when both
Republicans and Democrats stood with me
in the Rose Garden to announce their
support for a clear statement of purpose:
you disarm, or we will.
Enter CER KNUTE, MS. BISE
Yes…as was I Sir, as was I. Cer Knute,
good evening to you, sir!
CER KNUTE
And to you.
DUMBAUGH
Ah, finally I meet Lady Knute.
CER KNUTE
Nay. I threw her aside. Alas, here standeth
my latest bride, Ms. Bise. [Aside to DUMBAUGH]
She of the lapboard.
DUMBAUGH
[Kisses her hand] Ah, Ms. Bise.
Bise—‘tis
also a dry cold wind in the south of
France.
CER KNUTE
Little to compare, though both blow!
[To the KING]
And toYour Highness, a good War’s
Eve to you, sir!
KING
There may be some tough times here in
Dubya.
But this country has gone through tough
times
before, and we're going to do it again.
CER KNUTE
Hear, hear! I have just returned from
France.
Sorry am I to report they are less than
enthusiastic
on the military front.
KING
The problem with the French is that they
don't
have a word for entrepreneur.
CER KNUTE
Ha! Indeed. I pushed our cause, I dare say.
Sayeth I, “War is a universal language. It
is
in need not of being declared in any
language,
not Latin nor Russian…”
KING
Neither in French nor in English nor in
Mexican.
CER KNUTE
Your grace’s padon, but may I commend your
efforts for the children?
KING
You teach a child to read, and he or her
will
be able to pass a literacy test. Rarely is
the
questioned asked: Is our children learning?
Ms. BICE
Good joy, my Lord.
KING
The public education system in Dubya is one
of the most important foundations of our
democracy. After all, it is where children
from
all over Dubya learn to be responsible
citizens,
and learn to have the skills necessary to
take
advantage of our fantastic opportunistic
society.
MS. BICE
Sir, I am overshadowed by your wisdom.
KING
I mean, there needs to be a wholesale
effort
against racial profiling, which is
illiterate children.
DUMBAUGH
Ah, but we see your brightness shining
through
your daughter like sunlight a prism
through.
[They look upon his daughter across the
room,
drunk and lascivious.]
KING
The Queen and I really don't realize how
bright
our children is sometimes until we get an
objective analysis.
DUMBAUGH
[Aside] Servant.
SERVANT
Yes, your Obscurity.
DUMBAUGH
Might I find a cake of a pound?
SERVANT
Cake of a pound, your Obscenity?
DUMBAUGH
Ay. A cake it ‘tis—a pound of butter,
a pound of sugar, a pound of flour,
though the flour is superfluous.
SERVANT
I shall on’t, your Obliquity.
DUMBAUGH
I shall drool at your return.
SERVANT
So ye shall, your Obesity.
Exuent
[II.ii]
Enter MOANINGA,
GUARD
GUARD
Halt! Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold
yourself.
MOANINGA
Stand down, brave guard. I am the King’s
soiled
subject.
GUARD
What this night brings ye nigh?
MOANINGA
A bet born of ale. ‘Pints plenty if ye see
inside
the castle walls,’ say they.
GUARD
Then empty glasses shall ye drink.
MOANINGA
O, fie, fie, fie! Alas, ‘fore I go, favor
me and
push this garter up high.
GUARD
Ay, that I will.
MOANINGA
Sweet whispers float from moistened lips.
[whispers in his ear] Come, my
gracious lord,
shall I be your playfellow?
GUARD
What be the game?
MOANINGA
This way, my lord; a game of seek and
enjoy.
Now! This way lies the game.
Exuent
Enter WILLIAM, GUARD
GUARD
What ho! Halt! What? Beg forgiveness King
William. I knowest ye not til the light of
the
moon lit the tip of thy nose.
WILLIAM
Fronti nulla fides.
GUARD
The trick of that voice I do well remember:
Is 't not the king?
WILLIAM
Hic puer est stultissimus omnium!
GUARD
Silk vowels and pebbled consonants. [aside]
Who makes the fairest show means most
deceit.
WILLIAM
Quidquid id est timeo puellas et oscula
dantes.
GUARD
I smell the trick on't.
WILLIAM
Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur.
GUARD
You speak much. Alas, the language of
romance,
lost on me, yet soothes me so.
WILLIAM
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
GUARD
[Grimacing] I would my horse had the
speed
of your tongue, and so good a continuer.
The
guests surely hunger for such rich entrees.
Come, please enter.
Exit
WILLIAM
Enter PRINCE BORE
GUARD
Halt! Speak yourself friend or foe.
PRINCE BORE
Long live the king! Friend I dare say.
GUARD
Salutes to the Prince. Yet entrance I
cannot grant.
PRINCE BORE
Fancy I grey,
color—forsay!
either day or night,
neither black nor white;
genus Cyanocitta,
chrysanthemum balsamita
Cyanocitta cristata,
I find not vulgata.
No color give I approbatus,
lest an edict from Zeus;
of hues must I have recks,
license I give ye to nex.
GUARD
[Yawns. aside] Fie, such foul lyrics
doth he sing.
Am I wounded? Dead? or asleep? I see no
blood,
no wound. Yet such pain!
PRINCE BORE
Not crimson, chatoyant, fluorescent, nor
gay,
Nor bluish, bicoulored, braw, brave nor
bay,
No butterflies or blossoms, flamboyance nor
blues,
But cloudy and colorless, dull ashen hues!
GUARD
Sit I to dull this pain. And I'll sleep.
[BORE enters castle]
Exuent
[II.iii]
A dark corridor in the castle. Outside a storm howls.
Enter WILLIAM,
MOANINGA, BORE
WILLIAM
Our pawns in a row?
PRINCE BORE
The Gossips are round corner, waiting my
plea.
MOANINGA
This night shall be twice a king I greet on
my knee.
WILLIAM
This blissfully ignorant storm allies with
us well.
The candles blown out; come! Rise to my
plot.
[Lights out, shuffling, groans,
noises]
Enter Bore with old GOSSIPS, bearing candles.
[In bed are MOANINGA, HERBERT, WILLIAM]
PRINCE BORE
[Feigning shock] What ho! Turn away
Gossips!
Cover thine eyes! Not even for thine eyes
is
such a sight fair!
GOSSIP #1
What sayest thou? I see a wench with Herbert.
GOSSIP #2
Heigh ho, what’s this? Add one to the
former!
GOSSIP #3
Alas, a king with a wench front; and
another
king rear.
GOSSIP #1
Callest us here for such a sight?
GOSSIP #2
No surprises nor lewdness, this scene so
trite?
GOSSIP #3
These kings too old to stand up right?
GOSSIP #1
Flat they lie as if windless kites?
GOSSIP #2
This tinder girl, yet no flames ignite?
GOSSIP #3
Prince Bore fast asleep would more excite!
GOSSIP #1
Lead us posthaste to nearest door!
GOSSIP #2
A flop and a failure, bored boring Bore.
GOSSIP #3
This sight has our eyes seen, once, twice,
thrice
‘fore.
Exit GOSSIPS
Enter two SERVANTS walking by,
laughing
HERBERT:
Halt there! What pleases your humors so?
SERVANT #1
Forgive us your Grace.
HERBERT:
Again I say, what source your humor?
SERVANT
#2
Ere we here came in mirth, Pillory, Duchess
of
Wearspants, did approach the castle with
her
army.
WILLIAM
[aside] My plot not yet impeached.
HERBERT:
Alarm! Quickly, what result?
SERVANT #1
If ye worry, then only in vain, kind sir. A
duel
did Pillory request of Lord Chincey. No
less
than her honor claimed she at risk.
SERVANT
#2
Ay, the matter swiftly resolved when Lord
Chincey agreed publicly to proclaim that
Pillory
has grapefruit where he has prunes.
WILLIAM
Alas! All is lost.
In bed, WILLIAM,
MOANINGA, HERBERT, light
cigarettes. BORE enters, drinking
from bottle.
WILLIAM
The King's grown bankrupt, like a broken
man.
Yet he balances on beams of imbecility over
masses besotted with ignorance.
HERBERT:
Yea, tho ere I thought him a dimwitted
curse, I
see now a dull brilliance. God and
Satan alike
by such a doofus foiled would be. There is,
indeed, bliss in ignorance.
PRINCE BORE
Say, is my kingdom lost?
WILLIAM
[aside to HERBERT] What's here?
The portrait of a blinking idiot.
MOANINGA
Herbert, sheath thy sword!
HERBERT:
No sword have I!
MOANINGA
Oh!
[ The KING’S
voice, from the party, echoes upthrough the castle to the bedchamber. LORD
MARS, skipping up and down the hallway, occasionally looks into the chamber
and gleefully recites a line.]
KING
I firmly believe the death tax is good for
people from all walks of life all
throughout
our society.
LORD MARS
We scrip’ banal furor!
pause
KING
We spent a lot of time talking about
Africa,
as we should. Africa is a nation that
suffers
from incredible disease.
pause
You saw the president yesterday. I thought
he was very forward-leaning, as they say in
diplomatic nuanced circles.
LORD MARS
Cop° burr! Lies fan
war.
pause
KING
People say, how can I help on this war
against
terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so
by
mentoring a child; by going into a
shut-in's
house and say I love you.
pause
The senator has got to understand if he's
going
to have—he
can't have it both ways. He can't
take the high horse and then claim the low
road.
LORD MARS
Slur°, Prince; a fob
war.
pause
KING
This is still a dangerous world. It's a
world of
madmen and uncertainty and potential
mential
losses
pause
Keep good relations with the Grecians.
pause
Kosovians can move back in.
LORD MARS
A bare clown fir sup’r.
pause
KING
If a person doesn't have the capacity that
we all
want that person to have, I suspect hope is
in the
far distant future, if at all.
pause
The legislature's job is to write law. It's
the
executive branch's job to interpret law.
pause
I have said that the sanction regime is
like
Swiss cheese—that meant that they weren't
very effective
pause
I am mindful not only of preserving
executive
powers for myself, but for predecessors as
well.
pause
Redefining the role of Dubya from enablers
to
keep the peace to enablers to keep the
peace
from peacekeepers is going to be an
assignment.
pause
I've read—I understand reality. If you're
asking
me as the King, would I understand reality,
I do.
pause
LORD MARS
Have ye seen a shot ‘round? (Song)
Round a shot will ye be found?
Round the cannon put your poker hot
Send death floating on the round shot
Maimed and mangled
and mutilated gore
Oh! such heavenly
visions of war!
pause
KING
The mission must be to fight and win war
and therefore to prevent war from happening
in the first place.
pause
They misunderestimated me.
Exuent
INTERMISSION
[III.i]
Enter CHORUS
CHORUS
So what thinkest thee—this king so
disrobed?
Standing midst jesters and maladroit
clowns.
We shell the Bard—how our prose is
de-Globed—
And seek absolution for his sad frowns.
But we to our tale must return, to wit:
The war so feverishly sought is gained.
To waterless beach, on brains of tomtits,
On wingèd angels, this feud preordained.
Yet our truths remain, as truths here
ne’er do,
The muddled tongue of the King is but his;
Now we observe the Commander’s debut,
His logic obscured in well-curled friz;
Laughter
will tell our successes within,
Our
fool fools dangerous with twinkle-eyed grin.
Enter LORD CHINCEY, LORD MARS, skipping and singing
LORD MARS & LORD CHINCEY
Have ye seen a shot ‘round? (Song)
Round a shot will ye be found?
Round the cannon put your poker hot
Send death floating on the round shot
Maimed and mangled
and mutilated gore
Oh! such heavenly
visions of war!
Enter
ROGUE
ROGUE
What? Celebrate so ‘fore I come hither?
LORD CHINCEY
Ah, ‘tis my good fellow Rogue, back from
his
dark cave of thought. Good rogue, buds on
your
plans have flowered, for war rose with the
sun this very day! Embrace, we dance again.
[They all dance, but poorly]
[Winded] Oh! Speak not of
civilizations great—
What lack we from Hellena, Augustan, [thinks]
or the Eastern Bloc? Here, where wings lift
our
fancies—where on appetites of power we
feast.
ROGUE
And a coin in the backroom finds wheels
greased.
LORD CHINCEY
Where a tally-less king yet wears the
crown.
ROGUE
And we, like marionettes, dance him around
LORD CHINCEY
Where this day’s fact is but morrow’s
folly.
ROGUE
And we illude mirth from melancholy.
LORD CHINCEY
Where besotted masses bathe in our murk.
ROGUE
Today we hate Muslims, morrow the Turk!
LORD CHINCEY
Hark! The King comes hither.
Exit
ROGUE
Enter KING, Bible in hand and PRIESTS
PREIST #1
[Laughing] Do you remember, my
liege, your pledge so
long ago?
KING
[laughing] “And this is my solemn
pledge: I
will work to build a single nation of
justice
and opportunity. I know this is in our reach,
because we are guided by a power larger
than
ourselves, who creates us equal in his
image.”
PRIEST #1
Never underestimate, sire, the power of
holy
Speak. Men will to war march, will upon
Their neighbor spy, will be a nimble puppet
Awaiting your pull of the strings, wanting
Only a subtle nod heavenward by you. Wear
A priest’s robe beneath your holy garb, for
They both are wove from threads of fear,
Blind faith and loyalty.
KING
I shouldn't be taking a speck out of my
brother's eye when I've got a log in my own
PRIEST
Tell me—do you keep young children for
petting?
PRIEST #2
Tell us more. Speak more, er,
tr…tr…tr…truths!
KING
Our faith is based upon the most ultimate
humble man of all time, Christ, and I think
humility is very important in the political
process. Our nation is chosen by God
and commissioned by history to be
a model to the world of justice
and inclusion and diversity without
division.
PRIEST #1
We are humble in your shadow, sire. I can
but
be the sinner blockèd from the glorious
sun.
KING
All of us are sinners, all of us. And in my
case,
I sought redemption and found it.
PRIEST #2
Quite so, yet not ere ale usurped, and
bleached
snow blown hither; and finding yourself
cold,
avoided yon draft.
PRIEST #3
[In a French accent, with attitude]
Yes, great
wisdom, King. Amen, amen, to that fair
prayer,
say I.
LORD CHINCEY
He’s French. Grab him.
POLE
How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!
PRIEST #3
My lord, I do beseech you, pardon me.
Hasten me not to heaven, nor hurry
me to hell.
POLE
Your good fortune the Papacy doth find
repulse in executions.
KING
I make the case to them, though, that I
believe
when the death penalty is administered
surely,
swiftly, and justly, it saves lives, it
sends a
chilling signal throughout our society that
we
will not tolerate…the ultimate violent act
of
taking somebody's life
PRIEST #3
[Changes to an English accent,
enthusiastic]
Would I were in an alehouse in London! I
would give all my fame for a pot of ale and
safety.
KING
[Pulls PRIEST #3 from grasp of POLE]
The British people are the sort of partners
you want when serious work needs doing.
PRIEST #3
[Relieved] You are an angel, sir.
LORD MARS
Iran, you’re lasagna!
KING
The Dubyan people wants—
LORD MARS
Sappy do, untenable thew.
KING
—a president that—
LORD MARS
A Spartan diet.
KING
—appeals to the angels.
LORD MARS
Atop helpless agnate.
Exit PRIESTS
Enter MIDSOLE BANANA
LORD CHINCEY
To arms! To arms!
LORD MARS
Rat ass rom tom!
LORD CHINCEY
Like sieves to grain this, our security.
POLE
[Subdues BANANA] From Middle East comest
thee? Prepare then for prison and epochs in
dark
caverns, for by birth do we our enemies
draw up.
BANANA
Nay. By Saudi Arabia come I hither.
LORD CHINCEY
[Coughing] Oil!
POLE
[Coughing] Oil!
KING
[Aside] It is clear our nation is
reliant
upon big foreign oil. More and more
of our imports come from overseas.
LORD CHINCEY
Tell me, fliest thee in a flock of Taliban?
BANANA
Nay, sir, you see not a Taliban-Banana.
LORD MARS
[Sings, motioning towards the KING]
Work all night on a drink a'rum
[Looks for help but gets none, so
mouths: Daylight come and he wanna go home]
It's six foot, seven foot, eight foot,
bunch!
[Mouths again]
POLE
[Aside
to LORD CHINCEY] But surely a snake
knows his reflection.
LORD CHINCEY
And thus I know them both.
POLE
Whisper into mine ear, knowest you a man?—
sad-dumb in character, willing to plot,
contrive,
or complot any ill 'gainst us, our state,
our subjects,
or our land? Or has spat where forbidden or
threatened the petals of a single rose? Or
has
accursed a stable boy? For we seek to shore
up
the rotting planks of our baseless ship.
[POLE
nods subtlely towards a photograph a
the table]
BANANA
[worried at first, then sees his out]
I do. I know
just such a man! He walks the sands of
Mesopotamia
and he’s—
KING
—a major-league ass hole.
BANANA
Yes!
KING
[puts his arm around BANANA] This is a world
that is much more uncertain than the past.
You
see, even though it's an uncertain world,
we're
certain of some things.
BANANA
You speak a language that I understand not.
KING
I'm the master of low expectations
LORD CHINCEY
[pulls up a chair for BANANA, pours him a drink,
gives him a cigar] Do you like
tricks, Banana?
BANANA
Only, sir, if birds upon breezes soar.
LORD CHINCEY
Eyes, then.
[Holds up a card of Saddam with 1984 and
the word “Friend” on it. He waves his hand over it and it changes to 2003 and
“Foe”]
BANANA
[Thrilled]
Most wonderful!
LORD CHINCEY
It worked?!
[To BANANA]
This man draws his water from Hades?
BANANA
As the devil himself.
POLE
A fool?
BANANA
He has not so much brain as earwax.
LORD CHINCEY
He is an ass?
LORD MARS
[interrupts, inspired, speaks rapidly]
To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and
ox:
To an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and
ass.
To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a
toad,
a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring
without
a roe, I would not care.
BANANA
Verily, your fool is again your sage.
POLE
Need we fear his army?
BANANA
He keeps an army yet has none.
KING
These people don't have tanks. They don't
have
ships. They hide in caves. They send
suiciders
out.
BANANA
[Nervous again]. And now homeward
bells toll
in mine blood. I must bid you adieu.
Exit BANANA
LORD CHINCEY
Bring in the scribes!
Enter DUMBAUGH, O’RILE, INANAITY
Ah, allies one and all. Ink to paper
and there shall I spill vowels and
consonants
to be hence named your own.
DUMBAUGH
Now, master doctor, have you brought those drugs?
LORD CHINCEY
Doctor? Speakest ye unto mine ears?
DUMBAUGH
Out, loathed medicine! hated potion, hence!
O’RILE
[Steps
in front of DUMBAUGH, who approaches
everyone saying, “Doctor?”]
Lord Chincey, thy words we beg, for of such
none do we have of our own; of thoughts yet
moredo we beseech ye, for actors upon a
stage
require pages born of folio, lest they
plant
foul seeds that spring forth but sour
grapes.
LORD CHINCEY
Your service, friends, is duly noted. The
King
forgets not the deeds of allies. Now, your
words
from mine lips, come as if on a feather.
[O’RILE and
INANITY enthusiastically hold up quill pens at the ready.]
The King this very day has received proof
that his vague reasons—no, no, just
reasons, his
reasons—for this trade of war. The highly
placed source….
Exuent
all but ROGUE and KING
ROGUE
Now, my liege, magic shall we work on your
subjects.
KING
I think the Dubyan people—I hope
the Dubyan — I don't think, let me— I hope
the Dubyan people trust me.
ROGUE
Trust? What is the trust or strength of
foolish
men? If my dance is of mirth seest ye murk?
If my lips do but smile find you a frown?
If my lute strums harmonious doth your
ear perceive discord? No, we shall but
offer illusion, for there is the bread
of base and besotted masses.
KING
It will take time to restore chaos and
order—but we—order out of chaos.
Exuent
[III.ii]
Enter CITIZENS, MOANINGA
CITIZEN #1
Stand we here like rootless trees, so
fearful
of winds gentle.
CITIZEN #2
If rootless then hopeless.
CITIZEN #3
If hopeless then bleak indeed.
CITIZEN #1
Four cycles has nature traveled, yet not
one day forward.
CITIZEN #2
Verily, ‘tis so. On midnight’s stroke do I
find
security, like on noontime do I walk
afear’d.
CITIZEN #3
A subject of this madman soon a madman
to a madman ‘tis.
CITIZEN #1
Aye, on the street do they stop me, they
do:
‘Am I not i' the right, old jephthah?’
CITIZEN #2
Smile you must then, smile and nod. “Oh yes
sir,” sayest ye if no fool’s hat roost on
ye, “yes
sir, i' the right, on the right, as right
as Satan
you are, sir.”
CITIZEN #3
‘Zounds, I pray you have men, valiant and
noble to challenge the castle walls.
CITIZEN #1
Is there no man upon whose deck we can
hoist our sail?
CITIZEN #2
Nay. Men have we like heads do lice,
leaders
—well, leaders have we like fish in sand.
CITIZEN #3
But leaders we need not, rather merchants
of
myth, forgers of fear, a liege of lies.
Among
these men, find we not one with appetite
for
medicine?
CITIZEN #2
Nay.
CITIZEN #1
With a palate for ale?
CITIZEN #2
Nay.
CITIZEN #3
Say then, one who, with holy robes, covers
up yesterday’s stains? Or piously preaches
apostles epistles?
CITIZEN #2
Alas, nay.
CITIZEN #1
Nay? Not one with wholesome syrups, drugs
and holy prayers. See our ship then, dead
at sea.
CITIZEN #3
Or ten fathom deep.
CITIZEN #1
What then of Pillory, Duchess of
Wearspants?
CITIZEN #2
Neither “Nay” nor “No,” now in my know.
MOANINGA
[Aside]
Do mine ears burn with truth? This night
a challenger to the throne here stands? A
king’s
subject have I been, on bended knee; a
willing
vice to his failed heir; who then, but I,
should
seduce the passions of this germinated
king?
Enter BORE
Alas, here now the failed flop whose pail
ne’er dipped into my well.
BORE
See me, do they not? Ere so distinguished?
My bright flame so easily extinguished?
Regard me they shallow, simple, or thick?
As failing mortar ‘tween faltering brick?
As loser or digger of deficit?
Unfair it ‘tis, a wagonload of schpit
[No
one pays attention. Hammers podium muliple times]
Now then, who amongst ye shall bear the weight,
To spur revolution for third estate;
Unlike me must ye be for such post,
Tell me then, verily, who loves me most?
[No
response]
Preparèd we came for such a sight,
A blight of night for contrite plight;
A leader I’ll conjure from behind drape,
Such as the shortness of time can shape,
A king sew’d and stitched from discarded
cloth,
Already a king not one by my troth.
[Steps
behind curtain, which shows activity behind it. BORE then steps out, but with a grey wig, hair combed left to right, and a
big smile of fake teeth. Flashes
victory sign]
DRONE
Masters o' the people, Prince Bore has
hastened
me hence to lead you in revolt against our
treasonous King. We do request your kindest
ears, and after, your loving motion toward
the
common body, to yield what passes here.
CITIZEN #1
[Aside]
Familiar tunes do tickle mine ear.
CITIZEN #2
[Aside]
Like too much ale, down first ‘fore back
up,
better the first, bitter the last.
MOANINGA
Doth not the ocean’s salt tickle mine
tongue
same from either shore? His is a soft staff
and
I smell the trick on't. Something is rotten
in the
state of Dubya.
Exuent
[III.iii]
The King’s chamber
Enter KING, LORD CHINCEY
[The
King and Lord Chincey have fat cigars in their mouths amd start throwing felt bombs at a map of Irag on the
wall. They make exploding sounds when the darts hit and then laugh.]
Enter POLE, DUKE HALEY
POLE
My liege. Lord Chincey. Duke Haley of
Burton
requests an audience.
CHINCEY
To say you're welcome were superfluous.
DUKE
‘Tis my honor to hear so, my Lord.
KING
As you know, these are open forums; you're
able to come and listen to what I have to
say.
DUKE
[Takes
out piles of coins; some he puts on the
desk or on bookshelves, other gets stuffed it in (and down inside) the KING
and CHINCEY’S shirt, pockets, etc. No one takes notice of this except POLE, who covers his eyes with his hands but
can’t help peaking.]
Pray tell, would I allow mine tongue to
spew utterances where coinèd consonants
and vowel ducats float forth from thy
silver-laced tongue?
KING
I don't need to be subliminabable.
Enter ROGUE
CHINCEY
What ho, my lord!
ROGUE
What is’t o’clock?
BURTON
[Takes
a cup from ROGUE’S hand and drops
coins in one at a time]
‘Tis not yet full o’clock, sir.
ROGUE
And pray to Caeser never shall it be so!
BURTON
And where is my good Lord Mars? [Drops more coins into cup]
I have percussion to his tune.
POLE
About, Duke, about. A book of laws such
as the Bible is doth he enforce. [They all laugh]
Draweth ye one side of a square and for
it a reward of prison—“Work left undone,”
says the Lord. Draweth ye two or three
and yet the dungeon now your home. [More laughter]
Draweth ye all four—to a square as water
to the sea—and to-morrow stew in a ladle
shared with the rats.
BURTON
How sayest ye thus? If neither one nor two,
nor three nor four, how now?
POLE
[Uses
three pencils on a table to demonstrate as he talks]
“A loyal subject,” sayest Lord Mars,
“having arranged
the three thus—would serve his King by
pulling one
side nigh, and thus waste not to form a
three-angle.”
[All
roar with laughter]
BURTON
[Lifts
open cover of massive war chest]
Thy coffers are barren as an old maids
womb,
where once did I see an overflow of
surplus.
CHINCEY
A war sucks coin as if the moon didst pull
upon
its tide.
KING
[Looking
confused] A surplus means there'll be
money left over. Otherwise, it wouldn't be
called
a surplus.
CHINCEY
But Duke, your eyes see it not?
[Chincey
walks to the chest and drapes a silk scarf over it
and waves his
fingers, then pulls the scarf. Nothing happens.
He tries several
more times, all with no success]
Only a word, it is, and that only what we
make it.
Words are easy, like the wind.
BURTON
The war is won then?
ROGUE
Won? One? Two? Provide a noun and with a
Meaning shall we follow. But ‘tis, good
Duke,
waning like the horizon’s sun.
POLE
Bethink you victory fairly claimed while
soldiers
shall ne’er ‘gain see home’s lamp?
CHINCEY
One hundred times shall we mourn fifty
lost. One
thousand times we celebrate no more.
POLE
What, you egg! Fifty? Nay! Then fifty no
more
is but two and one half score!
ROGUE
And simple as seven so it shall be not.
POLE
O, what men dare do! what men may do!
what men daily do, not knowing what they
do!
CHINCEY
And you, Pole, you fornot, fornot—
POLE
For not, for not? What bibble this?
ROGUE
Thou art neither for a thing or not,
but for such thing both not and for;
rememberest ye what first forgot,
and keep one foot in both sand and shore.
If
with a question you are caught,
You cry “For, not, for, not, for not!”
Exit POLE, upset
ROGUE
My liege, with the war burnt to fading
embers
a mask must we put on its face. Let us to
the
stage with a war conjured; and you a hero
in one
soon confused for one in the other. In like
way we
show your subjects we are ready for
greatness.
CHINCEY
We are ready to conquer.
KING
We are ready for any unforseen event which
may
or may not happen!
Exuent
[IV.i]
A battlefield with
tents set up
Enter MOANINGA
MOANINGA
The weight of this sad time we must obey;
On yonder battlefield a hapless knight
readies
for causes lost ere a sword is drawn. So
blind
is desire? So base? Can a man walk o’er the
beach to a beckoning ocean only to lament
his
thirst and parched soles? Most monstrous!
Oh!
His soldiers, less in numbers, and those
less in
skill—a joyful, blissy mouse who sees the
eagle
not. And into this pitiful stew am I
willingly
droppèd; William of Glutton he is not, but
I
eat less these days! Here into his tent
shall I
hasten and offer him a bowl.
[Enters
tent where DRONE is terrified of the
night noises]
DRONE
Halt! Stand ho! Guard! Guard!
MOANINGA
A real soldier, this one!
DRONE
Enough to run you through.
MOANINGA
That would be a change
most welcome. Say, is
your sword so ready?
DRONE
It ‘tis, and ‘tis a broadsword.
MOANINGA
Aye, but I seek a sword for a broad.
Unsheath it.
DRONE
‘Tis, and has been.
MOANINGA
With that to battle goest ye? Then this
kiss
shall shield ye more.
[Leans
in and tries to kiss him but he avoids her.
She grabs his head
to pull him near and kisses him
as he struggles.
When he manages to pull away
she pulls his wig
off and sees it is BORE]
Bore!
DRONE
Drone!
MOANINGA
Bore!
DRONE
Drone!
MOANINGA
Bore!
DRONE
Drone!
MOANINGA
Fie, Drone it shall be. And to-morrow my
shite
I shall call a rose. Will ye smell of it?
DRONE
You played me false.
MOANINGA
And I a lute unstrummed, ne’er played.
Rememberest
the castle, where like Ceaser did I
advance.
DRONE
Aye, ‘gainst my retreat.
MOANINGA
‘Tis true. I, my lord, find here a pitiful
scene.
Find you, amongst the lot, one so low as
the King,
who will sink below Hades if to buy you the
crown?
DRONE
I know him not.
MOANINGA
Have you a ruffian that will swear, drink,
dance,
revel the night, rob, murder, and commit
the oldest sins the newest kind of ways?
DRONE
Nay.
MOANINGA
Then yours the plight of the flying bear
is,
or the swimming cow. Come hither and
find warmth ‘stead of cold and a new sheath
for yonder sword.
DRONE
Tempt me not lest the future crown you
mock.
MOANINGA
The future crown? You are a lunatic lean-witted
fool. Shall I be the queen then? Or a harlot for
your keeping? Tell me, your majesty,
Ceaser,
Caliph, and sovereign sultan, when might I
call upon your court?
DRONE
Oh, please mock me and mock me well, for
a recipe of humility needs kneading to
rise.
MOANINGA
I care not for your vagaries, sir, yet to
my
ledger add this journey into the the
dangerous
night whenst I’ve come. [Aside] If but to hear
his blither blather, his prating palaver,
his
twiddel twaddell. [DRONEis ooking at paper.
She grabs it and
reads.] What this? A play?
Words! Have you awoke to think yourself
George? A better blacksmith with forgèd
words
ist he. Death invades your soldier’s night
whilst
you draw formations of consonants and
vowels?
DRONE
Silence! ‘Tis a wonder that tongue ne’er
choked
thee. Are you no man’s wife? No beast’s?
For
you speak as one so trained. [Grabs play]
These vowels drip poison, these consonants,
chaos,
dry is the author’s ink so why here runs it
so?
MOANINGA
‘Tis yours!
DRONE
Aye, ‘tis indeed. Words will be my
soldiers,
ink the enemies blood, a comma for a
cannon.
a grand illusion shall asleep, and wake
reality.
MOANINGA
Is there a murderer here? No. Yes. With
such
frivilous games might you sieze the crown
already siezed thus. To mine ears then, the
plot.
DRONE
Just this. The ink yet wet adds a twist on
the stage
to-morrow, whence the King’s court of fools
hast planned this very play. An actor for
the king
ahall indeed be King, or too, the King will
be an
actor and again king. When this actor King
acts
a sleep, a procession of ghosts,
representing his
misdeeds have I penned to haunt and taunt.
No
man built of conscience and soul shall
withstand
the assault, for every man's conscience is
a
thousand swords.
MOANINGA
The fool slides o'er the ice that you
should break.
Too, I will bid you good night: and so
kneel down.
DRONE
Nay, lie on my bed.
MOANINGA
Oh?!
DRONE
Please. I to the night for counsel must go;
my return
shall welcome a bed kept warm.
Exuent
[IV.ii]
A courtyard with a
small stage set up and an audience in attendance. The KING is wearing armor to
look like a might warrior but he is awkward in it and burdened by it’s weight.
He constantly moves clumsily and narrowly avoids falling over. As the action
begins they are returning from battle.
Enter two SOLDIERS
SOLDIER #1
God smiled upon our crusade this day.
SOLDIER #2
With our sovereign King as His right hand,
he did that. The heathens and heretics fell
like sorghum to a scythe.
SOLDIER #1
Aye, and though they protest, ‘tis but a
mask,
for parched have they long been, awaiting
our satiation.
SOLDIER #2
Expect neither civility nor intelligence
hither,
for both fires burn low. We are privileged
and
blessed by God, yet burdened to carry his
torch to light their darkness.
Enter KING
KING
I promise you I will listen to what has
been said
here, even though I wasn't here
ADVISOR
My liege, how bravely you fought this day.
KING
The vast majority of Mesopotamians want to
live in a peaceful, free world. And we will
find
these people and we will bring them to
justice.
SOLDIER #1
To-morrow I believe they will lose all
to-morrows.
Only the devil’s curtain o’er the sun
granted them
the one more.
SOLDIER #2
How they pleaded for mercy. “Thou art not
honest,”
sayeth I, “and the gods will plague thee.”
SOLDIER #1
Their excuses, once as ripe and plentiful
as Eden,
have all rotted upon the vine.
KING
One year ago today, the time for
excuse-making
has come to an end.
ADVISOR
Methinks, my liege, beyond these lands are
people with hope to become your subjects.
“Let's all cry 'peace, freedom and
liberty!”
KING
The world is more peaceful and more free
under my leadership.
ADVISOR
Ah, freedom—‘tis salve to a heathen’s
wounds.
KING
Freedom, by definition, must be chosen.
ADVISOR
And to-morrow shall we finish telling them
their choice!
SOLDIER #1
Aye. Until to-morrow then. A restless night
I fear, ‘til morning pushes it aside.
SOLDIER #2
O, bravely came we off, when with a volley
of
our needless shot, after such bloody toil,
we bid
good night; and wound our tattering colours
clearly up, last in the field, and almost
lords of it!
ADVISOR
Amd so good night, brave men, upon your
backs we ride.
Exit Soldiers
Good night, sire, and sleep ye well.
Virtuous
and holy, be thou conqueror!
Exit ADVISOR
[The
King tries to pull a piece of armor off but stumbles and falls into bed,
hitting his head and knocking himself out. He dreams. To the side, ROGUE and CHINCEY try to get on stage, sensing what is happening, but they are held off
by DRONE’S men.]
Enter GHOSTS
GHOST #1
I am the children of Dubya. Think, how thou
stab'dst me in my prime of youth: “Leave no
child behind,” sayest ye. How then, twelve
million
so poor? Nine million find no answer at the
doctor’s
door? Ay, forsooth, while you tread the
sands of
Mesopotamia, where then am I, if not left
behind?
GHOST #2
I am your subject, sprung from the same
fertile lands as ye. Upon the troth of
kings—
those same kings who plowed rock strewn
fields that in years ten score would grow
the
roots of your kingship—upon their troth may
I both your subject and dissenter be. Yet
you
label me traitor and lock me in your
dungeons
for nothing more than words given voice.
Are
not my words chosen from the same vowels
and
consonants as your own, the very same that
a
kingship purchased? Now your agents,
covert,
plot against their own like malignant
plagues.
GHOST #3
I am the womb that has sprung forth boys
you
make soldiers, and soldiers you make dead.
A
bridge o’er truth did you build, with
bricks of
lies and fear, weaving strands of deceit
like a
bottled spider. Why upon their graves didst
I
ne’er see you grieving? Why upon the
battlefield
did you ne’er ride, conviction for your
shield,
your divine appointment for a sword? I am
five
thousand lamenting mothers—but hark! I
speak
and am five thousand and one.
GHOST #4
I am a beggar, once of a fiefdom now but a
thieves’ plum. I would to work but it not
to me;
my lord cannot sin, even be he the devil,
this by
your decree. When from my purse he steals
his
hand, his fire by your praise is fanned; I,
by my
labor, a pittance am granted, my lord in
crime
gains a life enchanted. These Satan’s
multiply
in your fertile pardon; an Eden, this, your
favored
garden. But what of we, the neglected
flowers?
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins
remorse from power.
A noise sounds
outside the KING’s chamber.
Exit
GHOSTS
Enter ADVISOR
ADVISOR
Awaken, my liege, to greatness.
KING
[Flustered]
I should have clarified it by my statement.
I just
clarified it by my—not should have—I just…
ADVISOR
What gnaws at thy soul so?
KING
There's no bigger task than protecting the
homeland of our country
ADVISOR
Ay, my lord, ‘tis so.
KING
Tell the truth and be honest. Don’t cheat
or steal.
Respect others, respect their property and
respect
their opinions. And always remember: you
are
responsible for the decisions you make.
ADVISOR
[Aside]
Afeard to the soul must he be, to speak
such.
KING
The second pillar of peace and security in
our
world is the willingness of free nations,
when
the last resort arrives, to retain
aggression and
evil by force.
ADVISOR
And so to war, where victory places its
crown
upon a crown. This day your fate
fullfilled, my lord.
Exit KING, ADVISOR
A battlefield
Enter SOLDIERS
The KING’S soldiers have the better of the enemy and
have the victory in hand.
Enter KING, ADVISOR
The ADVISOR steers the KING to a fallen foe and meticiuoulsy places his foot atop the fallen
soldier and adjusts his pose, then spit shines his armor.
ADVISOR
Sound the trumpets. [Trumpets]. Call in the
scribes. Our King this day has vanquished
the
enemy. Cry unto all lands, “The war is
done!
The war is done!”
Enter DUMBAUGH, O’RILE, and INANITY
DUMBAUGH
‘Tis not my clouded thoughts that spurn me
to
praise your hand victorious. Though my
words
seldom reek of logic or sense, yet do I see
your
greatness, my lord.
O’RILE
So say I, my leige, but with words that
flow
where his do bimble bamble. Now, my lord,
let us execute all with voice opposèd to
thee;
Let justice be our plague upon a thinking
man;
Let us, with voices raised aloud, drown out
those with softer senses.
INANITY
Me too, your highness. What he sayeth take
for
my words, since none here form thoughts ere
being told what they shall be.
ADVISOR
The King has slain our common foe. Lend
your
ears, one and all.
[To
Scribes] Heed ye these words and spread
like the odor of cannon fire on the wind.
KING
My fellow Americans, major combat
operations
in Mesopotamia have ended. [ADVISOR leads cheers]
The tyrant has fallen and Mesopotamia is
free. [Cheers]
Everywhere that freedom arrives, humanity
rejoices and everywhere that freedom stirs,
let
tyrants fear. And we will stand with the
new
leaders of Mesopotamia as they establish a
government of, by and for the Mesopotamian
people. We are working with a broad
coalition
of nations that understand the threat and
our
shared responsibility to meet it. In the
words
of the prophet Isaiah, ``To the captives,
come
out; and to those in darkness, be free.''
Exuent all but SOLDIER #1
SOLDIER #1
[Takes
off his helmet]
That is our play. We pray you take away
this
image of our King the warrior victorious, a
Caeser incarnate. Rejoice, for the war
draws
to an end, and we to our King owe all.
Enter KING
KING takes
bows to few cheers as the curtain is drawn
[IV.iii]
Enter WILLIAM, MOANINGA, DRONE
An alehouse
DRON E
Now, three times hath the moon shone full
since
my play on a play, yet rain clouds do never
obscure
the King’s dull sun; his stagèd victory now
is held
as a Gallilean star; our loyal subjects
turn the sands
crimson, yet did not this jester of a King
claim
victory in his grasp? What further woe
conspires
against mine age?
WILLIAM
Like an impenetrable shield are his
fortunes.
A cur, a blind man amongst the deaf. He
uses
his folly like a stalking-horse and under
the
presentation of that he shoots his wit.
MOANINGA
Aye, then come ye hence to my chamber and
shoot your wit the like.
WILLIAM
Nay, my wit is collared like a puppy-dog on
a
taut leash, pulled thus by Pillory.
MOANINGA
Yet do puppy-dogs wag a tail and yearn to
mount a leg or sniff a bush.
WILLIAM
Better an unused wit than none at all,
sayeth I.
DRONE
How in mirth merry upon kingdom lost?
Heart in affliction and sour agony?
Despondent distress, oh you do accost—
This King to my soul ‘tis a sad Marquis.
Such burden doth bother as it besets
This nation of tribulation and woe;
This sad vaultless King with morals in
debt,
Twixt bad and worse do we swing to and fro.
Generations
dismissed by his gleeful waive,
Mourners we, for
this procession to the grave.
MOANINGA
What shall be done with him? what is your
plot?
WILLIAM
Our plot? What to an a answerless riddle?
A torch sheds not light, the son no better;
The King drapes reprobate robe o’er the
truth,
to cheers of accursed who favor not sight.
MOANINGA
Then to chamber come, William and Drone,
A menage
a deux et demi shall we,
A dress have I saved from William’s throne,
Forsooth we make a loser’s potpourri.
WILLIAM
Not I, for this day the King has callèd
a town meeting, from whence shall we learn
a status of war. Go hence I, to laugh and
cry.
DRONE
O brave new world, that has such people
in’t!
WILLIAM
Thou hast lost by this a kingdom.
DRONE
What a wretched and peevish fellow is this
king.
Exit WILLIAM
Come, then I to your chamber, Lady
Moaninga,
For I know not that the sun rises e’er
again to
Light our darkened way. Like a drownèd man,
A fool and a mad man: one draught above
heat
makes him a fool; the second mads him; and
a third drowns him.
Exuent
[IV.iv]
A yard where guests
await the KING’S town meeting. On chairs
are scribes, quill and parchment at the ready.
Enter CHINCEY AND ROGUE
ROGUE
Preparèd is this King to read from our
script?
CHINCEY
Ay, he is. His words as rehearsed worry me
Little, while his words self-owned make me
afeard.
ROGUE
Are not the scribes loyal or heavy with
coin?
CHINCEY
Ay, and again ay, but our leige is a
reckless
crossbow when free to choose words.
ROGUE
It matters not, Lord Chincey. Look how our
cheap illusions are soak’d up by the
spongèd
masses. I swear, even your poor failed
tricks
revealed could we convince were but
illusions
of illusion—an illusion of failure then is
success.
We live, my Lord, in a time new and
untested;
‘tis for us to lay traps and thus ensnare
the
future. King Nixon—for what but a bent ear?
—did live to see his crown dent the ground.
Yet twixt lunch and supper this very day
have
I done the worse, accompanied by the
goodwill
of fools and subjects, the two being one.
Enter ADVISOR, CITIZENS, SCRIBES
ADVISOR
The King doth come after delay.
ROGUE
What that?
ADVISOR
He was preparing for the stage, my lord.
CHINCEY
The stage? Knowest he not the play has
ended?
ADVISOR
Methinks not, my lord.
KING
CHINCEY
A sad clown he.
Enter KING
ROGUE
Good-day, my liege. Scribes
and subjects one and all await your words.
CHINCEY
[To KING]Watch
me, my Lord, to avoid sinking
Thy tongue in quicksand.
[To
CITIZENS and CROWD] Hear ye, hear ye!
Lend your ears to your sovereign leader!
KING
Thank you. By making the right choices, we
can make the right choice for our future.
We
had a good Cabinet meeting, talked about a
lot
of issues. Secretary of State and Defense
brought
us up to date about our desires to spread
freedom
and peace around the world. My plan pays
down
an unprecedented amount of our national
debt.
And then, when money is still left over, my
plan
returns it to the people who earned it in
the first
place. [Laughter] I hope you will join me to pay
down $2 trillion in debt during the next 10
years.
[Laughter]
That is more debt, repaid more quickly
than has ever been repaid by any nation at
any
time in history .Education is not my top
priority—
education is my top priority. [Laughter] Our
priorities is our faith. I’ll take some
questions.
SCRIBE #1
Will you again unknit this curlish knot of
all-abhorred war?
[After
each SCRIBE asks their question, they
are removed by force and a smiling bobbing-head doll is placed on their chair.
When the heads stop bobbing someone walks over and gets them going again.]
KING
I'm answering this question here and the
answer
is, you cannot lead America to a positive
tomorrow with revenge on one's mind.
Revenge
is so incredibly negative.
SCRIBE #2
My liege, into battle thou didst lead us
with
promises of foes well-armed. What ho?
[Removed]
KING
We'll find them. It'll be a matter of time
to do so.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
It's going to take time to find them, but
we know
he had them.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
[Gets
increasingly frustrated]
This is a person who has had contacts with
al Qaeda.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
He's got connections with al Qaeda.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
He's had connections with shadowy terrorist
networks like al Qaeda.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
I am absolutely convinced with time we'll
find
out they did have a weapons program.
[Chincey
shakes his head]
We're on the look. We'll reveal the truth.
[Chincey,
sweating, finally nods and offers a wry smile to Rogue]
SCRIBE #3
From Mesopotamia do words of disillusion
and
chaos come. Is not the victory in hand?
[Removed]
KING
I mentioned early on that I recognize there
are hurdles, and we're going to achieve
those
hurdles. Some worry that a change of
leadership
in Mesopotamia could create instability and
make the situation worse. The situation
could
hardly get worse. Dubya has no intention of
imposing our form of government or our
culture.
SCRIBE #4
As a Divine Ruler, are non-believers
welcomed subjects?
[Removed]
KING
No, I don't know that Atheists should be
considered
as citizens, nor should they be considered
as
patriots. This is one nation under God.
SCRIBE #5
More of our sons march eastward this day
into
the hate of our foe. Find you in this
worry?
[Removed]
KING
My answer is bring them on.
[The SCRIBES are all gone now and only bobbing heads
remain. The KING holds up a victory
sign and smiles, nodding back at the head]
GUEST #1
A madman first? Or a fool?
GUEST #2
Why, thou sayest well. I do now
remember a saying, 'The fool doth
think he is wise, but the wise man
knows himself to be a fool.'
GUEST #1
Forsooth, only fools here reside. Woe to
Dubya.
Oh that I might wake and cry, “Have mercy,
Jesu!--Soft! I did but dream.”
Finis
